


Five Times Owen Rationalized Something, and One Time He Couldn't

by kayliemalinza



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, F/M, Infidelity, Rape/Non-con References, Remix, Temporary Character Death - Jack Harkness, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-19
Updated: 2009-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:13:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five moments from TW Season 1</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Owen Rationalized Something, and One Time He Couldn't

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Five Things Owen Harper Remembers and One Thing He'll Never Forget](https://archiveofourown.org/works/156912) by [scarlettgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettgirl/pseuds/scarlettgirl). 



> Written for [**who_remix**](http://who-remix.livejournal.com/) on Livejournal. As scarlettgirl said about the original, my remix is "an experiment to try to work themes throughout a series of stand-alone drabbles."

**1\. Ghost Machine**

He wakes up fighting the hands that aren't there and the knife that isn't pressed against his throat. He knows, after a moment, that he's warm in his bed instead of standing on soft river slush in the flicker of halogen lighting. It doesn't matter. He isn't really being attacked and never has been in this way, but the human brain has its glitches: neurons misfire and dreams (no, memories) take over. He is being raped by Ed Morgan.

Owen grabs hold of himself and staggers to the bathroom to throw up in the sink. He hunches over it, trembling, and watches the tap water sluice the sick down the drain. He isn't a bad one; no, not like Ed Morgan. The alien pheromones are problematic—Jack tore into him for that one, and Gwen was appalled—but Owen isn't a _rapist_. He isn't. Maybe his partners are confused in the morning. Maybe they study their face in the mirror and swear off the drink, feeling uneasy without knowing why. They still enjoy themselves at the time. They clutch at his face and mumble "faster" and "yes," not "no" and "please don't." He doesn't hold them down as they cry. He's not Ed Morgan.

Owen is bitter and rough at the edges but he uses a knife to save lives, not steal them. Jack, the great hero, squeezes his shoulder and says he's done well. Gwen likes him, and she thinks with her heart. They can't be all that wrong about Owen, can they?

Isn't he good when it counts?

  
**2\. Countrycide**

Owen slouches against the back hatch of the SUV, watching Gwen sleep in the backseat. He patched her up alright, despite the distraction of her fingers in his hair. Her belly was a mess (but flat and soft for all that, Owen can't help thinking) and the needle slid in too easily. He thought to himself at the time that humans aren't meant to look like minced beef and when he remembered that thought later, terrified and hysterical, he almost laughed. First year Bio taught him that there's not much difference between pigs and humans and he's often suspected that humans might be delicious. He's not all that bothered by cannibalism on principle, to be honest, and murder's in the details. For example: he would not have asked Jack to stop shooting.

Owen is horrified, don't doubt it, but he's not surprised. He knows that humans are stupid, vicious shits, reaching for the endorphin rush or whatever other chemical cocktail the brain comes up with. A drunk-driving crash brings a girl into the morgue with half a head. A woman pulls her dark hair gently from the gash and says, so softly Owen has to lean down just to hear, that her husband didn't mean to do it. Owen's seen enough in OR and the insides of pubs to know that some people should be dead. They should be removed forever from the gene pool because they're _bad_ , full stop.

Gwen didn't come round to Torchwood the normal way, so she didn't know that yet. She thought it was all just aliens and that humans were still good things that pranced across the earth and made it better. Kissed their children off to school and went on holiday and sat on their couches watching Wife Swap, or whatever it is Gwen thought people really did. Some people did bad things but they could be reformed, could be locked away until they promised to be good.

She knows better now, and something's been destroyed inside of her. An innocence organ, maybe, that got cut off from the blood flow and is dying. The tissues will break down. Cells will shrivel up and float away. Something will grow in the place of it and if Owen knows Gwen at all—and he does, he _really_ does, because how else would they be so good together? How else would a few rough kisses up against a tree feel like tonguing flame itself?—Gwen will grow a tough and bendy organ in its place. Something that can whip and twist to pull a trigger; something that can wrap around and cradle. She'll be vulnerable until she heals, but then she'll be invincible.

Owen will protect her while this happens, the way that Jack protected him after Katie died. Not in the exact same way, no; Jack's sexual ego and expertise is legendary, but he's incredibly not Owen's type and even if he had been Owen couldn't bear—it was so soon after— Owen curled up in a pathetic ball and Jack was a protective amnion. He surrounded Owen until he was reborn.

Gwen won't go foetal, Owen knows; she'll want to keep up and about, heal herself in physical therapy instead of hibernation. While she does this, Owen will nourish her as well as any IV drip and help her sleep. This is how the world is, he will tell her, this is what we do. Pain is shit but it exists and sometimes, it gets rid of awful things. Pleasure exists, too, and it is always good. That's something people with an innocence organ cannot understand. They're ignorant and placid, always trying to restrain themselves, always holding themselves back from exhilirating edges. Chubby Rhys can't do anything to help Gwen now, so Owen's taking over.

He washed the blood and pulled the bullets from her wounds. Now, his duty is to make sure that she scars.

  
**3\. Out of Time**

Something happens to him while he's standing on the tarmac, watching Diane fly away. He guesses that, figuratively speaking, his heart breaks.

More so than usual, he feels like shit.

  
**4\. Combat**

Owen hunches his shoulders as the SUV peels away. If he'd stayed in the car one more second he knows he would've said worse, maybe gotten physical. Nothing too abusive; call him sexist but it's a line he doesn't cross. He could've done with some biting, though. Split her lip open and give Rhys something to notice. Let Gwen explain herself there.

Owen was fine with being the bit on the side. It's pragmatic to have it both ways if safe is something you need and you want something dangerous, too. Gwen's being shit about it, is all, shoving her homelife into their faces like a trophy while shagging Owen on the side. Rhys is just a comfortable sofa she comes home to at the end of the day but she calls him the love of her life. Owen wasn't safe with Diane. He was fucking terrified. She saw all the way through him and when she wasn't around, he didn't know who he was. Out of focus, he told her. Owen isn't big on self-examination. In fact he'd rather examine himself as little as possible, but Diane was a mirror he couldn't help looking into.

_I didn't want her to go, and she went._

Gwen hadn't even noticed. Not so great a judge of character, then. Not so good on compassion.

Owen stomps down the weary grey streets and wonders when everything he thought was true will stop changing.

  
**5\. End of Days**

Owen brings up the gun and as slow as he thinks he's moving, Jack is slower. Jack's not a hero. He's not stronger, or smarter, or any more prepared to do this job than any of them. He plays the wise, tough-loving boss but with his back against the wall he spits out petty insults. Why shouldn't Owen take over? Sure he's shit but Jack's shit, too, and Gwen is shit, and Tosh and Ianto are—they're too quiet to be shit. Too quiet to be much of anything, really.

When it comes down to it they're all fuck-ups, but Owen at least knows how much of a fuck-up he is. Jack and Gwen just ponce around all bloated and important, waiting for the world to bend itself around them. That won't work now the world is bending around the Rift, brittle to the point of breaking. If you try to barrel-chest the flying shards instead of slip between then you'll get cut. Owen can do this better than they can. He's sick of the paper King and Queen of Torchwood doubting him.

The gunshot is loud enough to damage Owen's eardrums but the bullethole is small. Jack's face stays perfect 'til the end, garnished with a bright red trickle.

  
**0\. End of Days**

There's not a bit of this that makes any sense at all. First Jack's dead, then he's not, and then he's a _sacrifice_ and dead again. Gwen drapes over his corpse for three days like a widowed bride. Rhys the Comfortable Sofa is at home and Gwen's here, staring into Jack's dead face like she's looking into her own and not liking what she sees. She's stuck staring anyway.

Owen skulks around the edges of the Hub.

When Jack walks again, Owen feels like he's been filled with helium and set adrift, feet just barely scraping on the metal grating. Tosh gets the happiest, most simple hug that Owen's ever seen and Ianto gets a kiss of all things— imagine what Owen will have to say about that later. Then Jack is striding across the floor and Owen almost shakes his head because it can't be happening. Jack is the hero once again. He's a god and there's no reason for him to hold out his arms to a fragile, bitter man like Owen.

Jack says, "I forgive you." Owen doesn't understand why he would; Owen's not worth the effort it would take to throw him away. As always, it's impossible to explain Jack.

Jack pulls Owen in. He's bone and muscle overlaid with skin, just like any human, but Owen's never been embraced like this. He feels all the bad bits of himself dissolving and all the good parts growing strong. Jack cradles his head and rubs his back like he's a child and tells him, "I forgive you, Owen. I forgive you." There's no reason to, but Owen believes Jack with all his mended heart. He doesn't doubt; he knows this thing is true.


End file.
